Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Results Are Still Streaming In: 2011 Black Friday Scorecard Might Be The Best Ever

by Dick Mac

On Sunday, I was still receiving emails imploring me to attend the Black Friday sales here and there. Last time I looked, Sunday was not Friday.

Yesterday I was invited to online Cyber-Monday sales.

The numbers aren't in yet for Cyber-Monday; but, Black Friday numbers sent the stock market surging on Monday.

Thank you shoppers, I was finally able to dump that Lowe's stock when my holding went from deep in the red to a lovely green color! So Christmas-y!

On Black Friday (weekend), shoppers spent $52,000,000,000 this year. Last year we spent a paltry $45,000,000,000.

It took 226,000,000 people to spend that fifty-two billion (an average of $230 per shopper). Last year, only 212,000,000 people spent that forty-five billion (an average of $212 per shopper).

Who were these people and what did they buy?

It started as all public gatherings seem to start today. A bunch of middle-class white people showed up with tents and chairs and sleeping bags, and occupied unused space in public late at night. Coast-to-coast they established local sites all joined in solidarity to one end: They were staking their Constitutional right to shop. The police came to investigate.

Unlike other recent encampments of Americas exercising their Constitutional rights, no pepper-spray or billy clubs were used on these unholy thugs. After all, they weren't claiming a right to free speech or peaceable assembly - they were claiming something much more important and more in-line with the founding fathers' intentions: the right to spend money!

And the right to push and shove each other.

And to climb over each other's dead bodies to save God's capitalism.

There was a pepper-spraying mama who won the right to purchase an X-box 360 when she won a competitive shopping bout at Target. In another store, an elderly man lay dead in the aisles while bargain-hunters stepped over and around him without regard for any need to assist him. Youngsters were trampled.

It was pretty gruesome.

And these incidents didn't take place at good stores with valuable merchandise. This stuff happened at crappy places like Target and Wal-Mart over things like televisions!

Wal-Mart worker trampled to death

Black Friday Champs Walk Over Dying Man To Buy Target Crap

Black Friday turns violent at 9 U.S. Walmart stores; at least 24 people injured

At least shoppers in New York City had the wherewithal to loot a boutique store in SoHo! None of that tacky box store crap!

SoHo Hollister Looted in Black Friday Madness

I mean, if you're going to riot for merchandise, have the sense to do it at Tiffany or Harry Winston, the Mercedes-Benz dealership or Kaka's furs.

After all, it's your Constitutional right!


Experts: Intense marketing, weak economy, obsession with deals fueling Black Friday violence

Now, shut-up and buy a book:

Dead Enz
Kyle G. Brixton

Dead Enz
Kyle G. Brixton

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