And So Christmas Has Begun . . .

by Dick Mac

Christmas is a time to celebrate the peace and love that Jesus promoted when he became a prophet. It's also a time to be with family and friends. It is a time to be generous of time, money and spirit. It is a time to celebrate the birth of the Christus. It is a time to give and receive lots of expensive gifts. It's time to spend like a drunken sailor. It's a time to help retail establishments end their year with no red ink on the books. It is time of heavy drinking. A time to vomit in church during Midnight Mass. A time for loud arguments. A time for big meals ruined by obnoxious relatives. Is there a time better than Christmastime?

During the Christmas season of 1991, Steve Martin appeared on Saturday Night Live to offer his Christmas Wish.

If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina-somebody, I can't think of her name. Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know?

No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice.

But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So -- we reorganize!

Here we go.

First, the sex thing. We go with that.

Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money. And then the kids.

Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies!

Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.

Permalink to video at SNL site.

Dead Enz
Kyle G. Brixton