Though the article below contains some factual inaccuracies (LIES as one friend angrily insists), the spirit of the essay is hysterical. Why let a couple of minor historical facts get in the way of HUGE current-day laughs?
At the end of this blog entry, I try to discuss inaccuracies and facts, truths and lies; but because I must laugh about this and since I can't take it too seriously (even the parts with which I agree), my remarks generally deteriorate into poking fun.
This essay is anonymous, which disappoints me. The author should have signed her name, but I sure wish I had written it!
In this reprint, I have not provided the hyperlinks from the original, but you can click on the title below to see the original with all hotlinks intact.
Fuck The South
Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it's a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It's your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, asshole, they're blue states. It's not your money, assholes, it's fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Lets talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It's fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that's right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that's just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.
Fact v Fiction: here is my analysis of truisms and falsehoods in this piece. First the falsehoods:
Cause we fucking founded this country - Everyone who founded this country is long dead. "We" did not found this country.
[The founding fathers] were fucking blue-staters - Some of them were red-staters. People from what is now called "The South" played an important role in the founding of this nation.
all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard - There are plenty of monuments to the founding fathers in red states.
What's more American than arrogance? - Generosity of spirit, maybe? Though I love that this author is using the right-wing hate-mongering attack methodology against them, I think most blue-staters are not generally this hostile. Still, I think it's funny to see it all reversed. We liberals and intellectuals in blue states have to ask if our methods of attempting dialogue and scientific analyses for the past two decades will ever work again; or do we need to stoop to this level to make our point? Do we have to act like Karl Rove to elect someone Karl Rove would hate?
"Let the Spanish keep [Florida], it's a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice. - I don't think this is even remotely true -- this is a lie -- because orange juice wasn't a popular beverage in that century and blue-staters probably had no opinion about Florida becoming a state.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. - Stupid people always get a lot of federal funding and red-staters will always be the MOST eligibile in that department. C'mon! They re-elected Bush: poor people elected the president who has done less for poor people than any president in our lifetime: THEY'RE STUPID!
Now the truisms:
We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. - Yes, maybe we should have let the existing red states secede in the middle of the 19th century! We probably would have gotten stuck with Indiana and Ohio, but we could have kept them happy with middle-class welfare and corporate subsidies. Though the Southern states did not have the right to secede, we should have thrown them out when slavery became a bad labor solution for the industrializing North while it remained a viable labor solution in the agrarian South. We learn from our mistakes.
[W]e had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. - The Civil War was the bloodiest war. It tore us apart. It was terrible. But, we won! The United States remained united. We could have just let the South secede. Then we could have marginalized and crippled them with economic sanctions, as we have done with Cuba. That would have forced them to abandon slavery, eventually (the British would have grown weary of subsidizing them). Then we could have annexed them as territories, like Puerto Rico. They would still be costing us a fortune, but their right to vote and participate in the federal government would have been limited; and the fundamentalists who make up a larger percentage of red-state culture than blue-state culture would have been without a Constitutional voice. This would be good, but there was no way to predict it.
All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? - Red-staters (and some blue state apologists), and their friends in the christian crusades forget that the Second Amendment is not really about packing heat and school-house slaughters (which seem to always take place in red states). It is about protecting self-determination (hence, the Civil War).
Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. - Am I willing to sacrifice the other four? As fundamentalists gain control of red states, those states become less vital to me. They'll all be cutting their taxes and eliminating services and then crying to the federal government that they need money to provide basic services. Red states bring little to our coffers, and little to our culture, no matter what people who used to be from those states might want to insist. Let's let them know who really pays the bills in America: not the four red states that were part of the original thirteen, but the blue states.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. - This is almost true and it is sickening. It is not a lie, but an exaggeration that tax dollars ALL come from blue states (just most). Red-staters who scream about cutting taxes get furious when you want to cut the programs in their states.
Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That's right, motherfucker, they're red states. - Can you imagine what would happen to corporate-sponsored right-wing political movements if corporate subsidies stopped propping-up all those industries that moved to the sun belt (red states) over the past forty years?!?!?! Those movements would die because they would not be getting liberal tax dollars from blue states!
[E]ight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It's too easy, asshole, they're blue states. - Blue states continue to see the cost of public transportation skyrocket while we pay to pave the roads and defend the health clinics in the red states! Let's stop subsidizing the red states! They stole all the industry with tax incentives, now can't run their own infrastructure with their crap tax-base, and want the federal government to bail them out.
It's not your money, assholes, it's fucking our money. - Let's start giving federal benefits to states in proportion to the taxes they pay!
Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It's fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. . . . 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast - Blue-staters and intellectuals are much more capable of providing stable homes and family lives than red-staters. Look at the statistics!
10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part. - Red-staters pretend to be so morally superior with all the Jesus in their eyes. They go on about christian morals but are wholly incapable of treating anyone (especially liberals and intellectuals) with even a modicum of Christian charity. As liberals get angry and lash out like this anonymous author, you watch how shocked they are.
No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. - Red-staters want to display alleged heavenly laws allegedly delivered to Moses by God; but they do not want to have a holiday for Martin Luther King, Jr., who changed Western Civilization right before their eyes. Did Moses exist? Maybe. Did God talk to him? No, God doesn't deliver messages to humans on stone tablets! Did Martin Luther King work to spread the love of God through the teachings of Jesus Christ? YES! We have films of him doing it. Idiots!
And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes. - Do school massacres happen in New York? Massachusetts? Minnesota? Oregon? Do they happen in states where the citizenry is interested in all ten amendments listed in the Bill of Rights? NO! School massacres happen in red states where people seem to think they have the right to stockpile arms that their children can use to kill others!
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. You hate us. You really hate us. Leave us alone. We'll get tourism dollars from the French! You can have Disneyworld!
That's six falsehoods (or LIES) and 13 truisms. Verdict? Vulgar, but hilarious and more accurate than not.
I don't believe that Southerners are idiots; but I am beginning to think that most of the idiots are in red states.
It's odd to see that red-blue map, and I see how it would lead someone to write the essay in question. Are we really a red-blue nation? Or, are we a purple nation?
Tomorrow: The Purple Map!
Today is Veterans Day. If you are a veteran, THANK YOU!
And to all my readers: no matter what you think of war or peace, it is important to remember that there were times when men were sent to fight wars and they have had no choice, no other option but to comply, for sundry reasons. Some of these men became heroes they never intended to be, some have been scarred for life. They all deserve our thanks and respect. Today, thank a veteran for risking everything for you.