Friday, December 03, 2004

New Strain of Gonorrhea

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a virulent new strain of the sexually transmitted disease gonorrhea named Gonorrhea lectim.

The victims, having been screwed over the past 4 years and in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves. The outbreak has been concentrated primarily in rural areas of the Southern United States, but outbreaks have been reported in suburban areas of the North, with high concentrations in Ohio and Indiana.

Cognitive sequellae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea lectim (pronounced gon-na-re-el-ect-him) include, but are not limited to:
  • anti-social personality disorder traits;
  • delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
  • chronic mangling of the English language;
  • extreme cognitive dissonance;
  • inability to incorporate new information;
  • pronounced xenophobia;
  • inability to accept responsibility for actions;
  • exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;
  • ignorance of geography and history;
  • tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;
  • and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

There is no known cure at this time, but all citizens should avoid all contact (social and physical) with carriers.

Those already inflicted with this insidious disease should turn off their televisions, learn to read, get a passport, visit a foreign country, learn to speak English AND another language, open their mind, learn to love their fellow man, and pay their fair share of taxes.

Dick Mac Recommends:
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And this wonderful report from last week's NFL fare! According to

Hand Pulls Groin

Giants defensive tackle Norman Hand strained his groin in the third quarter of Sunday's game against the Eagles and did not return to the game. "I didn't know big guys had groins," he told Newsday. "I'm finding out today that I actually have one." Hand hopes his sore groin won't keep him from playing the 'Skins next Sunday.

The original article at Yahoo!

Dick Mac Also Recommends:
Joe Namath's Autobiography

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