Putting Some Muscle In Those Family Values

by Dick Mac

Politicians who promote family values often (1) define "family" as something very narrow and something they might recognize as their own family; and (2) propose legislation that endangers the safety of American taxpayers who are members of other people's families.

Family values politicians support laws like Don't Ask, Don't Tell ("DADT"), and the Defense of Marriage Act ("DOMA"), and they hold themselves up as paragons of morality and as perfect, white representations of the perfect American nuclear family.

We all know what usually comes of these types of politicians: they are caught with strippers, or blowing male prostitutes, or fathering children with women who are not their wives, and that sort of thing. By day they are well-suited, well-heeled paragons of virtue insisting on protecting America from cocksuckers, niggers, abortionists, and socialists, and by night they are starring in their own private remake of "Butt-Hole Banquet Eight"!

It would be funny, if it wasn't so sad. These repressed men have spent their lives living lies, maintaining a fraudulent family life that they magnify with legislation intended to protect their lies, and they are filled with so much self-loathing that they spend the rest of their time trolling the internet and men's rooms, looking for what they really want: not a loving family, but a nice piece of ass, a big hard cock, or a soft, wet pussy. Preferably one of those anatomical features that is draped in the Bible or some good family values.

I use this strong language in hopes of presenting this situation in the light in which it belongs: absurdity! Desperate men pursuing satisfaction of their insatiable repressed sexual longings in the darkest places of their souls.

Christopher Lee (R-Craigslist) resigned from his position as the Representative for the 26th Congressional District of New York, serving (in many imaginable ways) the metropolis of Batavia, New York, home of the Muckdogs, of the NY-Penn Baseball League. He resigned after it was learned that this married Congressman, father of two was posing as a divorced lobbyist while trolling the personals at craigslist.org.

One potential suitor got a little pissed-off when she learned that this guy was lying to her, and she sent her entire story to gawker.com.

Chris Lee, exposed just a little bit more than he had intended, then circled the wagons, initially denied everything, then suddenly resigned with an apology to his beautiful family, the good conservative people of western New York, and the venerable House of Representatives.

Last year, Mr. Lee opposed the repeal of DADT, a law that thinking people right across the political spectrum insisted was a terrible law; in fact, likely unconstitutional. He also opposes marriage equality, in order to protect the sanctity of marriage.

Well . . . do I really need to say anything more? Is there a modern "conservative" in America with an iota of credibility, with a position that is believable or rooted in reality at any point?

American conservatism is a lie, and guys like Chris Lee (good, wholesome, god-fearing, good-looking, upwardly-mobile, anti-tax, anti-immigrant, anti-government men) are the perfect representatives of this fallacy.

God bless America!