Tuesday, February 15, 2005

The 2005 California State Employee Handbook Update

(Soon to be adopted by the other twenty-seven Republican governors)

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under "Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Thanks to Pat for sending this along.

Dick Mac Recommends:

Koyaanisqatsi - Life Out of Balance
Godfrey Reggio

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