Monday, August 16, 2004

Republican National Convention

Day One Agenda

Revised, August 2004

06:00pm - Opening prayer led by Billy Graham
06:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer led by Fred Phelps
06:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
06:45pm - New energy policy presented by Enron
07:00pm - Canonization of Ronald Reagan
07:15pm - Additional prayers
07:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton
08:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken "Kenny-boy" Lay
08:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton
08:30pm - Stoning of a homosexual
08:45pm - New healthcare policies presented by Kaiser-Permanente
09:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBD)
09:15pm - Halliburton contributes $1.4 billion to Republican party
09:30pm - Reagan elevated to Savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as "The Quad"
09:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pm - Cheney runs into Ronald Reagan Jr and tells him to go fuck himself
10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea
10:30pm - Burning at stake of girl who had abortion after being raped by cousin
10:45pm - Dancing around golden calf
11:00pm - Stoning of another homosexual
11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45pm - Thank God for his wisdom in appointing Bush as president
12:00pm - Two hours of closing prayers led by Pope John Paul II
02:00am - European hookers arrive for delegate entertainment