Thursday, June 03, 2004

Jimmy Haig's Six-Step Program For Becoming A Dullard

Jimmy Haig was a post-punk romantic poet whose untimely death went largely unnoticed. After many volumes of his writings were saved from the recycling bin, artists, musicians, producers and publishers began a project of recording and distributing his work.

One small notebook was hand-decorated with the title "He Gimme Da Shivers" and it is from this notebook that this piece is copied (without permission):

Jimmy Haig's Six-Step Program For Becoming A Dullard

Step 1: Fill your body (which has been sculpted with the help of Tony Little's exercise machine) with as much Pabst Blue Ribbon as possible to show just how empty you are.

Step 2: Repeat as many cliches as possible without any hint of irony in that robotic, and obnoxiously quiet passive aggressive voice of yours. Do it especially loudly in elevators.

Step 3: Stare blankly at your crusty walls in the dark. Listen to your local college radio station churn out indie-rock and pray that someone will miraculously rescue you.

Step 4: Smile obnoxiously-wide without sincerity so as to make others take notice of how happy you've become due to your success as a new age yuppie-wannabe. Brush with Pepsodent, but only the kind with the vintage 1960's box. The 60's were so great, and you should keep reliving them, even if you were born a decade too late.

Step 5: Blame Jesus, Mary, and Joseph for everything! Be relentless. Worship the gods on the cover of Teen Beat, Boy Crazy, Vibe, and Rolling Stone.

Step 6: Be very conscious of the fact that you religiously follow steps 1-5. Use self-depreciating humor as a flaky cover-up. Rinse, gargle, and swallow.

Hear excerpts from the first Jimmy Haig CD at CDBaby, and order a copy today:

The Jimmy Haig Experience

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