Joey Barton vs. Scousewives

by Dick Mac

For those who do not know him: Joey Barton is an English footballer (soccer player) with a mean and violent streak, a criminal past, remarkable athletic skills, and more intelligence than one might expect from someone who has been arrested in the workplace for assaulting a co-worker, arrested for stubbing-out a cigarette in a co-worker's eye, and imprisoned for attacking someone outside a bar.

Yes, Joey Barton has had a sordid past.

He's bounced form team to team to team, and left each with bad blood.

This year, though, something seems different.

He seems to have matured. Dramatically.

Faced with diminishing professional prospects, it was unsure if he would play this season. Word spread that Arsenal was considering an offer. Then during an off-season friendly against the Gunners, he had a conflict with an Arsenal player, cheated, and caused his opponent to be dismissed from the match. Arsene Wenger, the manager of Arsenal, is said to have been angered by the display and severed all relations with Joey and his handlers.

Queens Park Rangers, one of the newly promoted teams, was building a proper top-flight side and selected Barton as one of their new players. Joey is playing in London, one of the world's greatest stages for a public personality.

Since arriving in London, he has become a Twitter stud, sharing everything from his opinion of soccer to his delight with Nitschze and his disdain for "reality" television.

He's made some friends and enemies on his new stage, and he always has something to go on about.

I quite like it, and he should plan for a career in social commentary when his athletic career is over.

His current topic is one of the "Housewives" television shows. Have a look:

'Fame-hungry cretins who are an embarrassment to our city': Liverpudlian footballer Joey Barton's verdict on Desperate Scousewives

Hey! I have an idea . . .

by Dick Mac

(This is fiction based on the wacky father in the picture at the left.)

"Let's build a hot-air balloon in my backyard and use the project as a pilot for a reality television show."

"Why would anyone want to watch a television show about a balloon?"

"People don't watch reality television shows based on the content, they watch based on the people. My wife and I are both good-looking, funny, and talented. We've already been on a couple of reality shows and the producers always say they want us back. But, the real money is in producing the show, not getting the pittance they give to the participants."

"Still, why a hot-air balloon?"

"It's a family thing. We'll base it on a sort of around the world in eighty days thing."

"Where do you get the funding for the cameras and staff?"

"Well, what we need to do is create a sensation about it and draw the attention of sponsors."

"So, hire a publicist, I'm a researcher."

"Exactly! We do the research and get a balloon built and then an incident will bring the media flocking to the story."

"What kind of incident?"

"One of my kids will accidently fly off in the balloon and the media will gobble it up."

"Holy crap, man! You'd let one of your kids fly alone in a homemade hot-air balloon?"

"No, you idiot! We say that the kid is in the balloon, and when it comes down empty, the kid will reappear saying, he was never in the balloon in the first place. The world will feel great because the kid is safe and the Hollywood money people will find out about our idea."

"What does your wife think of this?"

"I haven't told her anything. She's an idiot. She'll do what she's told."

"What?"

"She talks big and looks good, but I've got her in her place."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm the master of my castle. The wife and kids do what their told."

"Oh! So you think this could work?"

"Of course, I just need you to tell me how to build the hot-air balloon."

"OK."

Sheriff: Balloon boy hoax may have conspirators

Excerpts of 911 call reporting boy is in balloon

Heene Family Pitched Reality Show to TLC

Saxony Wants To Be On "Split Ends"

My dear friend, Saxony (a/k/a The Kate), is a stylist in Columbus, Ohio.

I know you ask yourself: "But, wait, Columbus has plenty of style, why do they need a stylist?" Well, it's the stylists that provide a stylish place it's style upkeep.

Saxony has flown to New York to cut my hair, my family's hair, my friends' hair, and the hair of thousands of strangers. I recommend her. So, next time you are in Columbus, Ohio, please have Saxony cut your hair.

Now, to the business end of this post: Saxony is auditioning to be a contestant on the reality show Split Ends. "Why," you might ask, "should we care?"

Well, the production company visited Columbus doing a talent search, and Saxony has been selected as one of the finalists, and now it's up to the general public (that's me and you) to vote for the contestants that will be chosen to participate.

So . . . you are going to click the link below, go to the website, vote for her and sign-up to make your vote count! It's so easy!

Click here: Saxony's Split Ends Profile, then click the Vote button, then fill-out the form and voila! Saxony gets to be on the show!

Voting ends in 2 weeks and she needs about six hundred votes, so please vote and send the link to your friends!

Thank you for your consideration!