Holiday Greetings this New Years' Eve

by Dick Mac

In order to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of "conservative" and "libertarian" Americans, for whom anything outside their realm of experience is unacceptable, I said "Merry Christmas" this season, as well as "Happy Holidays."

In reality, I have always said "Merry Christmas" and almost never said "Happy Holidays," but I added the latter to my repertoire to be part of this mysterious conspiracy from which I felt excluded. I even bought a box of Happy Holidays cards and wrote Merry Christmas inside!

I was feeling left out because "conservatives" and "libertarians" go on and on about how we all say Happy Holidays. In reality, every Christian I know says Merry Christmas and every non-Christian I know says Happy Holidays, or Shalom. It's always nice. I love this time of year, because people say nice things like that to total strangers, to each other.

Another phrase that "conservatives" and "libertarians" seem perfectly comfortable with, and have added to the lexicon, is "Grab 'em by the pussy." Not one "conservative" or "libertarian" I know has ever said it is unacceptable. They generally say that the author of the phrase only said it once and the liberal media has blown it out of proportion. Clearly it is not their pussies that have been grabbed or promoted for such grabbing. If it was their pussies being grabbed they might have more to say about it. Most conservatives are so hideous, however, that nobody I know wants to touch them, never mind grab their genitals.

I think "Grab 'em by the pussy" (instead of "Happy New Year") should be used by "conservatives" and "libertarians" for the rest of this holiday season, in order to show how supportive they are of the America they are making great again.

Now that's the holiday spirit!