Some people just shouldn't be allowed . . .

by Dick Mac

I have tried to like awards ceremonies.

It all seemed like such a lovely idea, until I aged and I realized it's all just so much pre-packaged pablum assembled to garner free publicity for industries that need neither free anything, nor further attention.

It used to be simple: Oscars, Grammys, Tonys, Emmys. Through the mid-1980s, I would often catch one or both of the first two, the third was rarely seen on television during my youth, and . . . well . . . celebrating the best television anything is sort of a bit embarrassing.

In the 1980s I learned about the Clios, and I find that award to be the most sincere of them all: we are promoting our industry with this event to garner free advertising, and we are rewarding advertising! It seems like the most sincere of all of them because it is intrinsically insincere!

Then the Daytime Emmys and the MTV awards and the Country Music Awards and the BET Awards. And it goes on.

I know people find the broadcasts entertaining, and if they were a half-hour long (OK, an hour long), I might actually partake; but, they just drone on and on and on with commercial interruption after commercial interruption after commercial interruption.

What I have always wanted to see is an awards show honoring the best awards show: The Award Awards, the "Wardies"!

The "Pier Paolo Pasolini Wardie for Disturbing Notions" goes to . . .

The "Richard Blackwell Wardie for Bad Attire" goes to . . .

The "Amy Heckerling Wardie For Being Clueless" goes to . . .

The "Al Green Wardie for Inappropriate Use of Religious Speech" goes to

The "Paul McCartney Wardie for Cheese" goes to . . .

The "Oprah Winfrey Wardie for Terminal Dullness" goes to . . .

The "Marcel Duchamps Wardie for You've Got To Be Kidding Me" goes to . . .

Oooo! Ohh! Oh! Marcel Duchamp! The statuette could be a replica of R. Mutt's "Fountain"!

You get the idea.

However The Wardies would play-out, I think the BET Awards would win everything this year! They never really knew who won their viewers choice video award, created a not-very-funny mix-up among a battered woman, her colleague, and her perpetrator, and Chris Brown again took to the airwaves to blame God for his . . . well . . . everything!

*sigh*

I guess the advertisers spent some money and some people worked for th enight, so there might be some silver-lining somewhere.

When you find it, please let me know!

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