Independence Day in Alaska

by Al Falafel

The citizens of one state have a big extra reason to celebrate Independence Day this weekend.

The announcement of Sarah Palin's abrupt resignation as governor frees Alaskans, at long last, from the embarrassing public perception of them as a pathetic people who think they can see the other side of the world from their bathroom window. Not to mention the much -ballyhooed neo-conservative, ethically-challenged, backward political stranglehold she has held them under.

Congratulations to the good people of our 49th state! Happy Independence Day! A very happy nation celebrates with you!

Obviously, there is much more to Palin's decision to quit all of a sudden than she is letting on about. For any aspiring contender to the Presidency or other political office, this is the stupidest move a sitting governor can make. Especially since her most stinging, sneering criticism of Barack Obama is that he had little prior experience in any executive position. Now she has shown that she cannot even complete a single term in the executive office of the country's least populous state!

If she is doing this to help seal her credentials as some new kind of mavericky politician, she must think Americans have no memory at all and/or are even stupider than she is.

Speculation about what her real motives may be is rampant across the internet and in the mainstream news.

I'm just wondering how long it may be until we learn the name of the person who, all this time, held back the indisputable proof that Palin is not the mother of Bristol's unfortunate little Trig - as she swears to be.

I know. I know! We are not supposed to talk about this. Ever since it first came up during the campaign - with so much credible supporting evidence - the idea is so distasteful on every level I must say I dutifully feel dirty just mentioning it here.

But what else could it be? After all the scandals, gaffs, ethics probes, in-fighting with her own party that thrust her into our consciousness less than a year ago (thanks for nothing, McCain!)... and after her recent desperate grabs for media attention through totally fake outrages directed at the press and at the likes of David Letterman, it seems that it would take a real and irrefutable expose of her deepest shameful secret to get her to give up the national spotlight.

We don't really need to know what her deeply guarded secrets are. Since she has opted to step off the national stage, largely as she says due to how she and her family have been treated in the media, let's hope that the media finally gives her what she wants. Let her fade away now - back into the blessed comfort of obscurity forever.

Speaking of unspeakable scandals - why is the media ignoring the definitive DNA evidence that proves the real father of Michael Jackson's children is none other than Chaz Bono?

I'm just asking...